I was watching the Biggest Loser the other nite, and you know when they have those one-on-one, emotional conversations between the trainer and one of the contestants? I think this one was between Bob & Emily. Anyway, the issue was that she was really starting to believe in herself, and what a difference it made when she was working out and eating well. That she actually wanted to and she felt good about it. That got me thinking, and I’ll use myself as an example.

I’ve never really had a high opinion of myself.  At. all. For a bunch of text book reasons from my childhood which doesn’t really matter. The fact is, I hated myself. So fast forward to a time when I had enough of the fat & unhealthy & crappy feelings to get motivated and get in shape. Was eating better, losing weight & generally felt super. I felt good about myself. I was doing it. Along with a bit of non-resistant psychotherapy that tied it all up in a lovely, positive image of myself. For real.

After about 5 yrs, my weight started to creep back up, and along with the weight, my self-confidence began to go down the toilet again. Plus, add even more negative thoughts because I screwed everything up. I had worked so hard at getting healthy and losing weight only to gain it all back (and more) – wow, what a loser!

I am better now. I don’t always dislike myself. Certainly not as often or as deeply, which isn’t to say it’s gone completely.

So what I was wondering… it’s such a big issue, “You have to find the cause of your low self-esteem” “Dig deep!” “Face your fears” “Forgive” – you have to break down to build yourself up. Ok, so what if you do that? Life is good. You’ve conquered the demons that made you overeat, made you addicted, and caused you to think of yourself as a weak, can’t-do-anything-right, bad person. You’re free!

What happens when you gain some weight back and those feelings gradually come back? What happened? Where did all of the positivity go? Why don’t you believe in yourself anymore? Does that mean it wasn’t real when you felt better? Do you have to go through all of it again? And then when you do it again, lose weight, feel good about yourself again… how do you know it will last? Why doesn’t it last? Aren’t we *cured*?

Oh my, I could go around and around, over and over again. Kind of like “Groundhog Day.” I suppose that’s simply the way it is. I just don’t understand. But we keep on trying, right?

(I know that I alternate the “I” & “we” & “you” frequently. Should probably not assume anything, I can only speak for myself)

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