Excess. Excess food, excess thinking thinking thinking about it… excess wanting to smoke, take drugs, wanting to just be *normal* (of course, what is normal? I’ve never been *normal* according to the dictionary). Why. Why do I want to feel something other than I do at any given time? Why do I think I’m a bad person? And every time I think this way, or write this way, I hear “well, only YOU can change it” “IF you really wanted to”… well, BS. OBviously that’s not necessarily true. Ugh. I feel that writing about it may help me… ya, not always so. I’m very tired of writing about it as well. Maybe not so much here, but multiple sites I’ve had sprinkled across the WWW in the last 20 yrs or so. Know what? I also hate the “accountability” phrase. “I’m going to make myself accountable to _____ insert whomever” “I’m going to blog about my crap publicly so that I am accountable.” Accountable to who? To you? Does it really matter to you? If it doesn’t matter to me how can I expect you to care?
I’m not saying this to be rude or attention seeking, it’s just a reality. Especially since I don’t have a relationship with you guys – I’m not here often enough for you to “know” me. Oh sure, there are a small handful of you that have probably known me for awhile, and I sincerely know that you do care in some way or another… as much as online relationships develop.
… abrupt ending.
Three days ago I did something that I never ever thought I would do. I was making my bed in the morning before I got dressed, and our dresser mirror is across from the bed. I happened to look up, mid-sheet straightening, saw my naked body right there in front of me, and thought, “Oh. Hmm, doesn’t look so bad.” What?? Did I really just say that? So I stood up straight, turned and looked at myself from the side… then turned to the other side… yup, I really don’t look that bad. I honest-to-God never said that while looking at my naked body, or if I did, it had to be at least 20 yrs ago.
It definitely left an impression on me. I was also feeling thinner that week in general – not puffy and hadn’t been overeating – so I’m sure that had a little bit to do with it. If not physically, mentally. I haven’t tried that again, the mirror/naked thing. I’m hanging on to those positive thoughts for now, I don’t want to be disappointed, ya know?
That was in total contrast to the way I usually talk to myself. “Ugh, fat belly!” “Gross” “Stupid for eating that bread” and on and on. I have been working on that though. I’m trying to add a positive statement after I say something negative about myself, like, “It’s ok, you’re doing good!” “I’ll be alright…” you know, things like that. Doesn’t always work, but I think it gets the negative thought out of my head faster and keeps me from dwelling on it too long. One of the worst things that I can do to myself is when I’m getting ready for bed, there’s a small lamp that casts shadows on the wall behind me. Well, when I’m naked (lots o’ nakedness here tonite), my shadow is exaggerated and parts of my body are stickin’ out all over the place. I can’t stand it and have to turn around and scold myself for even looking. I should know better by now. Not a good frame of mind to be in before falling asleep!
Alrighty, c’ya later guys – hopefully sooner than almost a year from now. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I was here last. Oh well, ’tis life.
Didn’t I even wish you guys a Happy New Year? Oy, where has the time gone?
I’m a single lady this weekend. Hubby took a road trip with the guys and it’s me and the dogs here. In my “pre-surgery” days, if hubby was on a weekend ride, I would look forward to buying some treats for myself. Usual fare was home made nachos & a little ice cream. Or Taco Bell. I haven’t had Taco Bell in 10 yrs!
Tonight when I was at the grocery store, I still wanted a special treat for myself, but didn’t know what to get. Not a darn thing appealed to me. Nothing that made me excited to run home, get my jammies on and sit down in front of the tv and eat, ya know?
I’ve been eating a little weird the last couple of months. Generally, I don’t feel like eating anything other than yogurt, honey-roasted peanuts, and mini rice cakes. Oh, and SF Popsicles. Ya, I know, pretty healthy, huh? And I’ve gained 10 lbs. bah.
Do I sound bored? Bor-ing? Need to get in the swing of things around here, get my voice back.
C’ya next time, k?
**omg. I wrote the same thing 2 yrs ago! Sorry. OH, and I recently had my 10 yr. WLS anniversary. Imagine that.
I was visiting a website that talked about this wonderful “high protein, no sugar and caffeine” drink – wowsa! But just like so many of the products that are highly recommended and used by some of my WLS folks, they’re expensive. Of course, everything is relative, and for 9 yrs. I used Optimum’s Pro Complex protein powder religiously. Generally cost me $46 – $58 for 4.4 lbs. (they would match any other price, even online), and it would last me a couple of months. Recently it has increased in price, PLUS, my hubby is now drinking it for breakfast so obviously, it’s not lasting as long.
We now use a comparable protein powder and the cost is more manageable. It’s MuscleTech Premium Whey Protein for 5 lbs. and is $32 @ Sam’s Club. Don’t love it as much as the other, but I can deal with it.
It’s a reality. I cannot afford to buy many of these products. Yes, “I am worth it” etc etc, but not at the expense of starving my husband or having our utilities shut off or our home foreclosed on, know what I mean? So I add my protein powder to my own coffee. Great! I add protein powder to my yogurt. Yum. I am healthy. Just had my labs drawn and they are awesome. If I treat myself it’s a Starbucks biscotti, and I must confess that I always use Starbucks beans for my ground coffee at home. For me it’s simply a fact that I can’t afford a Mercedes Benz but I LOVE love love my little VW Cabrio convertible – for real.